Funny Jokes Collection

[cool_123]

A soldier ran up to a nun, out of breath, he asked, "Please may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later". The nun agreed.

A moment later two military police ran up and asked, "Sister have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, ???He went that way. "

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under the skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq. "

The nun said she understood completely.

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs."

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Iraq either"

[cool_123]

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George
Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.


Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line
of Coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H



Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice .

Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.

Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help.

Within a minute, ASIO emailed the White House with
this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside
down."

[cool_123]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench close by begins to ring with a deafening and highly irritating Rap Tune. Someone screams, "Turn that thing off before I throw it in the shower room!"

The man nearest to the phone reaches over. He engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello?"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes, I am."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models for next year. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They've come down $10,000 and now they are asking $950,000. What do you think, should we make them an offer?"

MAN: "Absolutely. Go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $940,000 so they will know we are serious buyers."

WOMAN: "OK, Honey! Now you're talking! I can't wait to see you later! Look for me upstairs and don't be long! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then the man smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[cool_123]

A wife comes home early to find her husband in bed with a strange woman.

She says, "That's it, I'm leaving & never coming back."

He says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"

She shrugs & says, "Fine, let's hear your story. This had better be good!"



He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy & crying. I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house. She climbed into my truck and I brought her home. She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you 2 years ago that you wore once, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought & wore only twice. I gave her some of the leftover roast beef from the fridge that has just been sitting there. Then I showed her to the door. She was so grateful, for all these things, she thanked me profusely. As she was about to leave she turned around and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'
�And here we are."

[cool_123]

I recently picked a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?