best ever jokes!!!!
Chemical Analysis of 'Woman'
Symbol: WO
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118 but is known to vary from 100 - 160 lbs.
Occurence: Surplus quantities in all urban areas.
Physical Properties:
1) Surface usually covered in a painted film.
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3) Melts if given proper treatment.
4) Bitter if used incorrectly.
5) Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
Chemical Properties:
1) Possesses great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and other
precious metals.
2) Able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances.
3) May explode spontaneously if left with a MALE.
4) Insoluble in liquids but activity greatly increased by saturation in
alcohol.
5) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
Uses:
1) Highly ornamental especially in sports cars.
2) Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
3) Can be a great aid in relaxation.
Tests:
1) Pure specimen turns a rosy tint if discovered in natural state.
2) Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.
Caution:
1) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2) Illegal to possess more than one except in certain areas.
although several can be maintained at different locations
as long as specimens do notcome into direct contact with each other
WARNING !!! !!! WARNING !!! !!! WARNING !!! !!!
WARNING !!!!!!WARNING
PROLONGED EX! POSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE FINANCIAL
HEMORRHAGING AND MENTAL DISTRESS. BE CAUTIOUS
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ALIENS BE CAREFUL
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas
station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the
aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Take us to your leader."
The gas pumps of course didn't respond.
The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response.
The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps
haughty attitude, drew his ray gun and said impatiently,
"Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us
in this way! Take us to your leader or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to
make him mad!
" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 yards
into the desert where they landed in a heap rather abruptly.
When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired
turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature.
It damn near killed us!
The other alien answered,"If there's one thing I've learned during
my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a *male organ* he
can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you
don't mess with him." !!!
Three guys died and when they got to the Heaven's
gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know
that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before
I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You
have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big,
what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."
The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How
long were you married?"
The first guy says, "24 years."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy
said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Chevrolet to
drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from
Peter.
The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated
on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked
it out good."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Rolls Royce"
The 3rd guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're
going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look
at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Ferrari!"
A few days later, the 2 guys with the Rolls and the Chevrolet
saw the guy with the Ferrari crying on the golden sidewalk.
When they asked the guy with the Ferrari what was wrong, he
said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a bicycle!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, and
was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another
man on a desk in the distance.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband" he inquired nervously.
'No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend then" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation"
u r a science student and u r in a jungle and u need to trap a lion .....
how do u
1. Newton's Method:
Let the lion catch you. For every action there is
equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion.
2. Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also
run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap
it easily.
3. Schrodinger Method:
At any given moment, there is a positive probability
that lion to be in the cage. So set the trap, sit down
and wait.
4. Inverse Transformation Method:
Place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it.
Perform an inverse transformation with respect to
lion. Lion is in and we are out.
5. Thermodynamic Procedure:
Construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows
everything to pass it except lions. Then sweep the
entire forest with it.
6. Integration Differential Method:
Integrate the forest over the entire area. The lion
is some where in the result. So differentiate the
result PARTIALLY w.r.t lion to trace out the lion.
__________________
PAST---Please Avoid Such Things
TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NOT DOING THE MATH
1. I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
2. Isaac Newton's birthday.
3. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't
actually reach it.
4. I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
5. I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove
that it converged.
6. I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
7. I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in
and ate it.
8. I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or
i is the square root of negative one.
9. I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee.
I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
10. I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but
this morning I couldn't find it.
General Musharraf, Vajpayee, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting
in a train.
The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel.
The woman and girl are sitting there looking perplexed.
Vajpayee is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent
slap.
The old woman is thinking: Vajpayee must have tried to kiss that girl and
has got slapped.
Vajpayee is thinking: "Damn it, Musharraf must have tried to kiss the
girl,she thought it was me and slapped me."
The girl is thinking: "Vajpayee must have moved to kiss me, and kissed
Musharraf instead and got slapped."
Musharraf is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could
make another kissing sound and slap Vajpayee again."
Ever wondered why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?
A - Airport (flat)
B - Barely there
C - Can do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake
What's the definition of a Lesbian?
"Just another damn woman, trying to do a man's job."
Women are unpredictable:
Before marriage, she expects a man.
After marriage, she suspects her man.
After his death, she respects him.
Why are married women fatter than single one's?
Singles come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed whereas,
married women come home, see what's in the bed & go to the fridge.
What is common between a passionate kiss and a spider?
"Both lead to the undoing of the fly".
What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
"After a year, the dog is still excited to see you."
GIRLS.cpp
Class girls
class female_professionals
{
double style;
short skirts;
long time_to_understand_problems;
float mind;
void knowledge;
char non_co-operative;
}
class married_females
{
double weight;
short tempered;
long gossip;
float hopes;
void talk;
char unstable;
}
class engaged_females
{
double time_on_phone;
short attention_on_work;
long boast;
float on_cloud_nine;
void understanding;
char edgy;
}
class newly_married_females
{
double dinner_invitation;
short time_at_work;
long lunch_break;
void bank_balance;
char hen_pecking;
}
class husband_wife_professionals
{
double income;
short tempered;
long time_to_see_each_other;
void love_life;
char money_making;
}
class beautiful_city_girl
{
double boyfriends;
short affairs;
long stories;
void brains;
char flirt;
}
Three men from the top of a mountain...trying to jump...
The first two die..
The third one doesnt...
Stays upright..alive..with all bones...
A man watching these ppl dive...perplexed by seeing the final dive..
When he asks the person as to why he didnt die...
The person cooly replied..
"This is the third time I am diving....I died the first time itself..."