MANAGEMENT JOKES

angels_smile

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
Insurance Professionals

On the first day God made the sun; so the Devil countered and created sunburn.
On the second day God created sex, and in response the Devil created marriage.
On the third day, God made an insurance broker, and the Devil was stumped.
After much consideration, he created a second broker.
------------------------------


A smart insurance company executive and an honest broker were seen walking down the street with Santa Claus.
They all spotted a $50 bill laying right in the middle of the side walk
Who picked it up?
Santa did...a smart insurance executive and an honest broker are figments of your imagination!
------------------------------


DEFINITION: un-der-writ-er n. 1 : One who lacks the personality to be an Actuary.
------------------------------


Question: Why do risk managers have such clear vision and foresight?
Answer: From the ivory tower, you can see forever.
------------------------------


Ever notice how little aerobic exercise attorney's need? Must be from chasing all those ambulances.
------------------------------


The only way to tell if a broker is lying is to check if his lips are moving.
On the other hand, insurance company executives don't lie... they really just don't know what the the truth is!
------------------------------


Old accountants never die; they just lose their balance.
Old underwriters, on the other hand, just take less risks.
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When risk managers are right, they'll always let you know their entirely right.
When wrong, RMs will only let know they're mostly right.
------------------------------


Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
Answer: An offer you can't understand.
------------------------------


If a risk manager, a broker and an underwriter were all drowning and you could only save one of them, which would you do first?
Go to lunch; or
Read the paper.
------------------------------


Question: Why did God create actuaries?
Answer: So that insurance forecasting can be considered an accurate science..


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Toaster Manufacturing



If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.



If Xerox made toasters...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.



If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.



If Oracle made toasters...
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.



If Sun made toasters...
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.



Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?



If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.



If Tandem made toasters...
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.



If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.



If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.



If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.



If the NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.



If Sony made toasters...
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.



If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.



If Fisher Price made toasters...
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.



If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.



If Coca Cola made toasters...
They'd be capable of making the original, diet and new improved toast as long as you bought your bread in the inconvenient six-pack.



If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.



If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.... but only the original bread that came from the manufacturer would work in it....when you needed to buy more.... you needed a different toaster.... from somebody else (but wait, new plans at Apple indicate that you will be able to by that different toaster from them ... but of course it won't use the same bread as the original. And as a matter of fact.. won't operate anything like the old one... but they say that's good!!!)
 

angels_smile

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
There's Nobody Home

The receptionist was instructed to call a vendor. Using the vendor's invoice as the source of the phone number she began calling. Each time she called, her phone would ring. When she answered, no one was there.
This continued throughout the morning. When later asked if she reached the vendor she explained what was happening and demonstrated for her superior. He noticed that the phone number she was calling (which was on the vendor's invoice) WAS THEIR OWN PHONE NUMBER! She had spent an entire morning calling herself.
 

angels_smile

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
Management Rhetoric

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:
You'll be making under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:
You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:
Somebody in operations claims that we have finally written our first piece of software that doesn't freeze up the computer. When we find out what the program actually does, we will be ahead of Microsoft on 2 counts!

PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:
Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but that's because the boss dated the editor-in-chief.

IMMEDIATE OPENING:
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions (hell, we are not really sure if they would understand the question)

WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.

PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:
After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.

SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:
...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We are frankly not sure if this refers to the fact that we have a lot of turnover, or to the parking lot at quitting time.

EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:
Overweight guys in gray suits will bore you with tales how it used to be.... between the meetings run by the outside "facilitators" (who were formerly known as consultants until their knowledge became completely outdated).

JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes...provided by those facilitator types.

FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:
We have some of the most clueless executives around. Watching them attack a simple problem will have you laughing so hard that it will bring tears to your eyes.

A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:
We booze it up at company parties.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
Knowing the right thing to say at the right time, especially when no one has a clue of what's really going on is a skill that is required more often than not.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:
We'll offer you $22k to start.

A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:
You'll be sitting in the first desk in the open area next to the elevator.

FLEXIBLE HOURS:
You get to chose which 72 hours a week you work, and we will pay you for the last 40.

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around. We will keep to this approach until we find out which activities actually are related to positive outcomes!

WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:
Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or world history.. then we're not really sure if you are qualified to do a job a six grader can master in 20 minutes. Besides with the proper education, you will certainly be smart enough not to ask questions that your immediate boss can't answer, and his boss doesn't even understand.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect, because the overweight gentleman with the management title hasn't got a clue of what needs to be done.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what is needed, do it, and explain to them why what you have done, is really what they asked for.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.

ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:
We loooooove brown-nosers.
 

angels_smile

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
The Quality Initiative

At my previous company in the UK, a Quality Initiative made use of posters around the office featuring parts of motivating words such as 'S CCESS' and 'VAL E'.
This was supposed to make you think that what was missing was 'U' (you). However, to the joy of the staff, a hand-written addition to the posters appeared. It was the single word: 'B LL'.
 

angels_smile

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
Multiple Job Openings For Web Designers

Available Immediately
Thirty-nine positions at Higher Source, a web site development and production house.
Our business has really taken off like a comet and we now have quite a few positions to fill. The individuals at the core of our group have worked closely together for over 20 years.
During those years, each of us has developed a high degree of skill and know-how through personal discipline and concerted effort. We try to stay positive in every circumstance and put the good of a project above any personal concerns or artistic egos. By sustaining this attitude and conduct, we have achieved a high level of efficiency and quality in our work. This crew-minded effort, combined with ingenuity and creativity, has helped us provide advanced solutions at highly competitive rates.
Based in Rancho Santa Fe, California (near San Diego), we provide excellent opportunity for advancement to a higher place. In fact all of our employees have recently been promoted. We provide free clothing, Nike tennis shoes, pudding, applesauce and vodka. You must supply your own Phenobarbital. Every employee is issued a large purple cloth, the purpose of which will become clear. Free haircuts too. No experience is necessary. We will train you to work and think within our business model.
ID is required. Abduction experiences a plus.
We are looking for real team players.
Please send resumes to [email protected].
 

angels_smile

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
The Three Biggest Corporate Lies

3 Biggest Software Lies:
The program's fully tested and bugfree.
We're working on the documentation.
Of course we can modify it.

3 Biggest Computer Room Lies:
As long as you remember to 'SAVE' your input, you'll never lose any files.
We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door.
The new machines on order.

3 Biggest Large Company Lies:
We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
People are our greatest resource.
We say 'let the marketplace decide'.

3 Biggest Small Company Lies:
We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
The boss is just one of the guys.
Staying small is a conscious decision.

2 Biggest Marketing Lies:
Immediate delivery?...No problem.
We treat every customer as if they were our most important
 

angels_smile

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
The Oldest Profession Debate

A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession. The surgeon says: "Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can't go back further than that." The architect says: "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than THAT!" The lawyer puffs his cigar and says: "Gentlemen, Gentlemen...who do you think created the CHAOS??!!"
 

angels_smile

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
The Non-Abled Workers Act

WASHINGTON, DC-On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans. The act, signed into law by President Clinton in Shanghai shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own--do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. "Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of nonabled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees. The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?"
"As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack of value to society or, for that matter, the human race; some sort of void to fill in this great nation."
 

angels_smile

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
The Newest Office Lingo

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name.
Elvis Year: The peak year of something's or someone's popularity. "Barney the Dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."
404: Someone who's clueless. "Don't bother asking him; he's 404." From the WWW error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located.
Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake.
Perot: To quit unexpectedly, as in "My cellular phone just perot'ed."
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
 

angels_smile

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
The Corporate Zodiac

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree", you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/ DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/ "TEAM LEADS": Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

CONSULTANT: 666.
 

angels_smile

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
The Boss & I

When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy.

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, he's showing initiative.

When I please my boss, I'm kissing up.
When my boss pleases his boss, he's co-operating.

When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.

But regardless of all else....
The Boss is always the Boss!
 

angels_smile

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
The Air Force Creed According To The Other Branches

United States Air Force Creed
I, (insert name), swear to sign four years of my useless life away to the United States Air Force because I couldn't hack it in the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take all the credit for the work done by others more dedicated than myself who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise but promise to defend our bike riding test as valid and a worthwhile form of exercise.
I swear to defend the Constitution of the United States even though I believe myself above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military, and I find it amusing to annoy all other branches. I will live a better quality of life than all those around me and will at times be sure to let them know of it.
After completion of my << snicker >> Basic Training, I will be a trained donut eating, lazy boy sitting, civilian wearing blue clothes, a chair-born ranger.
I will believe I am superior to all others and will make a constant effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work (unless someone is watching me and I will look good), annoy those around me, and go home early daily. I consent to not ever getting promoted and understand that all those who I made fun of will someday out rank me
So help me God.
 

angels_smile

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
Spindler Calls In Air Strike, Destroys Apple To Save It

OFFICE MEMO
Date:1/18/96
Stock Price Increases 50%
"We'll do it better," Says Microsoft
CUPERTINO, Calif. ------- JANUARY 18, 1996 ------

The massive pile of smoking rubble near Interstate 280 here in Cupertino was not the result of an earthquake or natural gas explosion, as officials first believed.
It now appears that the terrific explosion and fire at Apple Computer headquarters was the result of the first corporate-initiated airstrike on U.S. or California soil in U.S. history.
Sources within Apple have told newspapers that, in an effort to save Apple from an internal coup that would result in the breakup and sale of the company, embattled Apple CEO Michael Spindler called in elements of the California Air National Guard, based at Moffet Federal Air Station in Mountain View, Calif. to bomb and strafe his own headquarters.
Spindler allegedly called the California Air National Guard late last night and ordered the airstrike, using an Apple Macintosh Quadra A/V with experimental sound cards to simulate the voice of California Governor Pete Wilson.
Within Apple, Spindler is seen as a hero. "Cool! He called in an airstrike on his own position to save his company," said one internal Apple applications developer, who gave his name as "Scooter." "It was like one of those cool movies about, like, you know, Viet Nam, that I read about it on the Web, dude."
A memo to key staffers, reportedly written by Spindler himself, explained the need for the sir strike to counter moves by Apple managers and board members to oust him in a corporate coup and to simultaneously increase the company's marginal revenue. "Existing Macintoshes, both those in use and those in warehouses, will instantly become collector's items and therefore increase dramatically in value," according to the memo, which went on to explain that "this action will therefore increase our margins on existing stock with no cost to our sales and manufacturing operations." Spindler, said to be ailing, is in seclusion. Attempts to reach him by phone mail and fax were unsuccessful.
Apple stock shot up 50% on the news, as Wall Street apparently agreed with Spindler's strategy. "Blowing up his own headquarters was a stroke of genius," said one Wall Street analyst. "This is the kind of pure creative, self-destructive genius we used to see when Steve Jobs was at Apple. It's like the old days. Mac is back!" Overall, computer stock stocks rose 75% as a result of the Apple news, then plunged 80% later in the day on rumors that Dan Dorfman had been seen having lunch with Jim Clark and Marc Andreeson.
The Spindler airstrike memo, obtained via Internet e-mail by this reporter, was fragmented and missing key information. Apparently, the strike was planned for January 1, but key aides to Spindler did not receive the e-mail until yesterday due to routing table buffer problems and addressing errors.
Cupertino city officials issued a statement at 10:00 PST this morning calling the air strike "an unfortunate incident that, while we hope we will all gain something from it, we hope it did not offend anyone of any race, creed, color, religion, thought process or emotional state, and we must emphasize that the City of Cupertino had no role in this incident if it did." Class-action lawsuits against Apple and the city, alleging emotional trauma resulting in a lost train of thought, loss of computing resources and interrupted Internet access have already been filed in California State Court.
Later, when told by federal officials that the city will qualify for both federal disaster relief funds and labor department funds for unemployment and job training programs as a result of the destruction, Mayor Bob Mellow said, "Cool. We applaud Apple and Mike Spindler for having the vision and courage to take this decisive action, and hope that our earlier statement was taken in the spirit in which it was meant."
In Redmond, Wash., Microsoft announced plans to build and detonate several networked low-yield nuclear devices at its own headquarters some time in 1997. "This is a project we already had underway," said a spokeswoman for Microsoft chairman Bill Gates. "We just decided that the marketplace won't be ready for it until 1997. Or 1998, if we decide that's when we really want to do it. Or maybe later. Right now, we're hiring additional staff, developing new technology and getting ready to copy Apple's idea, strategy and execution. Oops, I meant to say that we're evaluating previously extant competitive actions." The project, dubbed Curtains `97, is expected by analysts to be complete some time in 1999.
Apple announced it will sue Microsoft in federal court over the "look and feel" of the use of explosive devices in business and home computing product strategies.
 

angels_smile

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
Taken from Actual Performance Evaluations

"Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this associate to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
"This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
 

angels_smile

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
Notice to All Employees On Timesheets

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5309). To our department, unproductive time isn't a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you.
The Management
Attached: Extended Job Code List

Code Explanation
5316 Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is not Interested in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Timesheet
5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Yourself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5511 Feeling Horny
5600 Bitching About Lousy Job
5601 Bitching About Low Pay
5602 Bitching About Long Hours
5603 Bitching About Coworker (see codes &5322, &5323)
5604 Bitching About Boss
5605 Bitching About Personal Problems
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching
5701 Not Actually Present At Job
5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking it Easy While Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Fence in Order to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6206 Gossip
6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g., vacation, wedding...)
6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (see code &6603)
6602 Complaining
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring At Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use
 

angels_smile

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
Resumes That Didn't Work
*Compiled from actual resumes by Robert Half International*

I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.
Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
I Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
My goal is to be meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit a job.
Marital status: often. Children: various.
Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
Finished eighth in my class of ten.
References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
 

angels_smile

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
Professional Characteristics

Why won't sharks attack brokers?....professional courtesy.
------------------------------
A traveler wandering on an island inhabited entirely by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. This shop specialised in human brains differentiated according to source. The sign in the shop read:
Actuary' Brains..... $9/lb
Loss Control Brains..... $12/lb
Underwriters' Brains..... $15/lb
Claims Adjusters' Brains ....$33/lb
Insurance Executives' Brains.... $87/lb
Upon reading the sign, the traveler noted, "My those insurance executives' brains must be something!"
To which the butcher replied, "Are you kidding! Do you have any idea how many of them you have to kill to get a pound of brains?!"

An economist would call that a supply side joke!
------------------------------
Three leading insurance company executives took a small plane to the wilderness in northern Canada to hunt moose over the weekend. The last thing the pilot said was , remember, this is a very small plane and you will only be able to bring ONE moose back. But of course, they killed one each and come Sunday, they talked the pilot into letting them bring all three dead moose onboard. So just after takeoff, the plane stalled and crashed.
In the wreckage, one of the executives woke up, looked around and said. where the hell are we. One of the other executives answered "Oh, just about a hundred yards east of the place there we crashed last year."
------------------------------
A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep.
Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock."
The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet.
"973" says the man.
The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away.
"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation."
Man says sure. "You are an insurance company national account sales executive," says the shepherd.
"Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"
"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."
------------------------------
A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live.
The doctor advises her to marry claims adjuster and to live in South Dakota.
The woman asks: will this cure my illness?
"No" said the doctor, the half year will seem much much longer.
------------------------------
Three actuaries went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first actuary fired, but missed, by a foot to the left. The second actuary fired, but also missed, by a foot to the right. The third actuary didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "We got it! We got it!"
------------------------------
A broker, a risk manager and an safety director are traveling in the countryside. Weary, they stop at a small country inn. "I only have two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn," the innkeeper says.
The safety director volunteers to sleep in the barn, goes outside, and the others go to bed.
In a short time they're awakened by a knock. It's the safety director, who says, "There's a cow in that barn. I'm a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal."
The risk manager says that, OK, he'll sleep in the barn.
The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock.
It's the risk manager who says, "There's a pig in that barn. I'm Jewish, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal."
So the broker is sent to the barn.
It's getting late, the others are very tired and soon fall asleep.
But they're awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see: It's the cow and the pig!
 

angels_smile

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
The New Employee Interview Guide

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Accounting.
If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
And if they've left early, put them in Sales.
 

angels_smile

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
Job Titles and Descriptions
CEO:
Leaps tall buildings on a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives Policy to God

Project Manager:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if sea is calm
Talks to God

Senior Analyst:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if special permission is approved

Systems Analyst:
Barely clears a Quonset hut Loses tug of war with a switch engine
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God

Programmer Analyst:
Makes high marks on walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Calls swimming "Staying Alive In The Water"
Talks to animals

Programmer:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls

Project Clerk:
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter building
Says look at the choo-choo
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

Administrative Assistant:
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
Is a god
 
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