Ultimate Jokes!!!!!!!!!!

Akash_arny

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
This joke is Ultimate

This is when Amitabh Bachan got fit after his long illness..... one fine morning he told his drvier "Arre bhai aaj Gaadi hum chalayenge..".
Driver: "Par saab aapki tabyat?.."
Amitabh: "Aree meri tabyat thik ho gayi he, I am fit and fine...kya dance karke dikhau, dialogue, fighting kare dikhau.....Hain" Ok
then he starts driving the car very fast.... zoooooooooom
breaks one red signal......... breaks second red signal.......... breaks on more red signal........... . . . . . . Then a traffic hawaldar stops the car, tells the driver to move the car to the roadside.
Hawaldar: "Chalo liscence dikhao, puc, gaadi ke kagjaaat..." Sees Amitabh and says, "are Amitabh Bachhan?!!!" he is verysuprised to see him....... Then he quickly on wireless calls his senior officers....
Hawaldar: "Sir, aap jaldi yaha aye naake par..."
Sir: "Kyun kya hua??"
Havaldar: "Sir ek gaadi ne signal toda he aur maine us gaadi ko side me rakha he" Sir: "To phir?"
Hawaldar: "SIr, Us gaadi ka maalik bahut bada aadmi he sir .... mein uska challan nahi phaad sakta aap khud yaha aiye ..
"
Sir: "KON MAALIK HE US GAADI KA??" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


















HAWALDAR : "WOH TO PATA NAHI SIR PAR USNE NE HE NA SIR ... AMITABH BACHHAN KO DRIVER RAKHA HAI....".:SugarwareZ-299:
 

Akash_arny

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
Bholaji's Prayer To God

Bholaji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray........... "Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto(lottery)".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Bholaji goes back to the temple..................... "Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and Bholaji still has no luck!!

Back to the temple.................. "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving.. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and Bholaji is confronted by the
voice of God
"Bholaji, buy a damn lottery ticket first".
 

Akash_arny

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
Windows 2000 - Hindi Version

Bill Gates was in India a few days ago.
He announced that Microsoft plans to release a windows version in Hindi.
Here are some Windows related terms that may be used in the Hindi version of...
Khidkiyan 2000:
Phaail = File
Bachao = Save
Aise Bachao = Save as
Subko Bachao = Save All
Mujhe Bachao = Help
Dhoondo = Find
Firse Dhoondo = Find Again
Hilao = Move
Daak = Mail
Daakiya = Mailer
Paas se dhekho = Zoom
Duur se dhekho = Zoom Out
Kholo = Open
Bandh Karo = Close
Naya = New
Khatara = Old
Badli Karo = Replace
Bhaago = Run
Chhaapo = Print
Dekh Ke Chhaapo = Print Preview
Kaapi = Copy
Kaato = Cut
Kato = Stupid Houseguest
Chipkao = Paste
Payshul Chipkao = Paste Special
Goli Maaro = Delete
Nazaara = View
Hathiyaar = Tools
Hathiyaar Khambha = Toolbar
Khuli Chaadar = Spreadsheet
Iska Bhi Naam Nahin Aata = Database
Futaas Ki Goli Kha = Exit
Ped = Tree
Thooso = Compress
Chooha = mouse
Tik-Tik Karo = Click
Idhar-se-Udhar.Udhar-se-Idhar = Scrollbar
Cheers !
 

Akash_arny

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
Bholas Moms Letter

Pyaaaray Lal,
I am writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved! I won't be able to give you the address as the last person who stayed in this house took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well, last week I put in three shirts and pulled the chain and I HAVE NOT SEEN THEM SINCE.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your aunt said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
We got another bill from the funeral home. It said that if we don't make the last payment on GRANDMA'S FUNERAL, she will come up again.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass in the cemetary. Your sister had a baby this morning, I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an uncle or an aunty.
Your Uncle Herolal fell into a whisky vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out- he rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two friends drowned as they couldn' get the gate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom
 

Akash_arny

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
Application Form For Politicians

Application Form To Be Filled For Contesting Indian Elections

----------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Name of Candidate : _______________________
2. Present Address
(i) Name of Jail : _______________________
(ii) Cell Number : _______________________

3. Political Party : _______________________
(List ONLY the Last Five parties in the Chronological (Order)

4. Sex: [ ]
A - Male
B - Female
C - Mayawati

5. Nationality: [ ]
A - Italian
B - Indian

6. Reasons for leaving last party (circle one or more)
A - Defected
B - Expelled
C - Bought out
D - None of above
E - All of above

7. Reasons for contesting elections (circle one or more)
A - To make money
B - To escape court trial
C - To grossly misuse power
D - To serve the public
E - I have no clue
(if you choose "D, attach Certificate of Sanity from a Recognized
Government Psychiatrist)
8. How many years of public service experience do you possess?
A - 1-2 yrs
B - 2-6yrs
C - 6-15yrs
D - 15+yrs

9. Give details of any criminal cases pending against you (Use as
many
Additional Sheets as you want)
10. How many years have you spent in Jail? [ ]
(Do not confuse with question 8)
A - 1-2 years
B - 2-6 years
C - 6-15 years
D - 15+years

11. Are you involved in any financial scams? [ ]
A - Why not
B - Of Course
C - Definitely
D - I deny it all
E - I see a foreign hand.

12. What is your Annual Corruption Income? [ ]
A - 100-500 Crores
B - 500-1000 Crores
C - Overflow...
(Convert all your $ earning from Hawala etc to Rupees)

13. Do you have any developmental plans for India in mind? [ ]
A - No
B - No
C - No
D - No

14. Describe your achievements in space provided: [_________]


Thumb Impression of candidate
(Not that of the person who filled the form)
 

Akash_arny

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
Sindhi lawyer: Case-wani
Sindhi lawyer after a case: Purse-wani
The blue-skier sindhi: Akash-wani
A coomunist Sindhi: Lal-wani
Sindhi who falls from the first : Thadd-ani
Sindhi who falls from the 17th. floor: Kripl-ani
Sindhi who falls from the 30th. floor: Marj-ani

No offence plz
 

Akash_arny

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
Desi who falls at people's feet: Charan Singh
Desi who falls at peopls' feet and stays there: Gir charan Singh
A gangster Punjabi Female: Hard Kaur
Punjabi who drinks only beer: Just-beer(Jasbir) Singh
Punjabi who has only one drink : Just-one (Jaswant) Singh
Punjabi who visits every temple: Har Mandir Singh
Punjabi Female's boyfriend: Her-Pal Singh
 

Akash_arny

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
Cheap Sahib Ji


A rich widower miser went back to India and married a young village girl. The girl did not like his hugging and kissing all the time. He thought of a scheme to teach his wife not to hate his American life style.

He bought a piggy bank and told his wife that every time he kisses or hugs her, he will put a rupee coin in the piggy bank and at the end of month she can open the bank and buy a new saree with the money.

The scheme worked very well. The young wife showed more willingness to be kissed and hugged. At the end of the month he gave her the key and told his wife to open the piggy bank.

What he saw did not please him. There were many 5 and 10 rupee bills along with rupee coins in the box. Where did these come from he demanded angirly. I've been putting only rupee coins. Not everyone is as kanjoos as you replied the wife.:SugarwareZ-150:
 

Akash_arny

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
[SIZE=-1]Santa and Banta Singh rob a bank and mess it up, managing to escape with two sacks that they find on the floor. And they take one sack each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, 'What did you find in your sack?'

'Ten lakh Rupees!'

'Wow... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?'

'I bought a house. How about your sack?'

'Bah... it was full of bills.'

'And what did you do with them?'

'Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off...'

[/SIZE]
 

Akash_arny

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
If Windows Were In Punjabi

If windows were to be in Punjabi, then you would be using the following commands on your computer:

Send = Sutto
Insert = Wich Paao
Attachement = Naal Laao
Edit = Sidda Karo
View = Waikhee Jaao
Forward = Aggay Sutto
Inbox = Undar Da Daak Khaana
Outbox = Baar Da Daak Khana
Trash = Mitti Paao
Sent Items = Bheji Gayee Dak
Address Book = Patay Wali Kaapy
Reply = Bejan Walay Nu Jawab do
Reply All = Saareyaan Nu Jawab do
Delete = Daffa Karo
Download = Thallay Laao
Download All = Saary Cheezan Noon Thallay Laao
Properties = Jaidaad
Connect = Naal Milaao
Fonts = Likhaai
Accounts = Galla
Drafts = Chitheeyaan
Find = Labbo
Paste = Thook Naal Chipkaao
From = Bhejan Walaa Banda
To = Door Betha Hoya Banda
Subject = Khaas Gall
Carbon Copy = Koelay Walee Naqal
Blind Carbon Copy = Anni Koelay Walee Naqal
Stationery = Pensal, Rubburd, Shaapnar
Folders = Bastey
High priority = Waddee Takleef

and finally

Ctrl+Alt+Delete = Sara Syapa Mukaao..
 

Akash_arny

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
[SIZE=-1]Laloo and Rabri Devi were walking down the road when Rabri turns to Laloo and says, 'Hey look at that dog with one eye!'

Laloo covers up one of his eyes and says, 'Where?'

[/SIZE]
 

Akash_arny

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
[SIZE=-1]One Bengali Babu went to Cannought Place in New Delhi to purchase an umbrella. He had been told in Calcutta that one could bargain for better prices in Delhi also. Bengali Baboo: How much does this umbrella cost?

Shopkeeper: Rs. 200

Bengali Babu: Can I have it for Rs. 100?

Shopkeeper: Ok I'll give it to you for Rs.150.

Bangali Babu: Well can I have it for Rs. 75 then?

Shopkeeper: OK, take it for Rs. 100.

Bangali Babu: Can I have it for Rs. 50?

Ths shopkeeper is pretty angry now: Why don't you take it for free??!!

Bengali Babu: OK, can I have two of them?
[/SIZE]
 

Akash_arny

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
Bumbaiya Language

Sophisticated Meaning In Bombaiya language

1. There's a minor problem : Arre yaar, "Waanda" ho gaya
2. There's a big problem : Arre yaar, "Zol" ho gaya
3. There's a huge problem..(unsolvable) : Arre yaar, "Raada" ho gaya
4. You'll be surprised : Ekdam "Hill" jayega tu
5. I am going out of this place Chal apun "Kaltii" marta hai.
6. Don't make a fool of others Dekh , tu "Shendi" mat laga sabko
7. Just get out of here, you oversmart fool!! Chal e Shaaane, "Hawa" aane de
8. I am not a stupid out here Apun kya "ALIBAUG" se nahi aaya
9. There's some misunderstanding Arre kuch "Galat Faimili" ho gayi
10. Do u drink daily? Tu kya roz "FULL TO" hota hai?
11. See, You are afraid.. Dekh , teri to "FAT" gayi
12. Shall I just bash u? E Du kya "Kharcha Pani" ?
13. Just take him into a secret place Use jara "Khopche" me leke ja 20
14. O .. What a beautiful lady !! Kya "Zakaas Item" hai yaar!!
15. What a sensuous/unexplainably sexy lady!! Kya "Raapchik Maal / Piece" hai yaar!!
16. Don't just bluff....OK? E Jyaada "RAAG" mat de..
17. Ya..she is staring at u.. buddy !!! Kya sahi "LINE" deti hai "Bhiduu"!!
18. Don't take much tension.. Jyaada "LOAD" nahi leneka kya??
19. Your clothes are very awkward!! Kya "ZAGMAG / DHINKCHAAK" pehna tune?
20. I don't care about it much..!! Abe yaar , "Hata Saawan Ki Ghata"
21. Please don't overbore me.... Jyaada "PAKAA" mat be tu
22. All this must be done without anyone's notice Sab kaam "SUUMDI" me hona chahiye...kya?
 

Akash_arny

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
LA LOO JOKES

* What do they call French Toilet in Bihar ?
La loo

* Once Laloo was coming out of Airport. As there was huge rush the
security guard told Laloo "WAIT SIR" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs"
and moved on...

* Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and Las
Vegas. So he called up the Tourist department and asked them "Ji could
you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas...".
The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo
immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.

* Laloos family planning policy..
"Don't have more than two children in one year"

* At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender,
"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." & the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS,
SINGLE." The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."

* After having become the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to pose for a picture.
To show he is down to earth CM he decides to pose along with a herd of
buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for
the photo. Next day the photo appears front page of a newspaper. GUESS
THE CAPTION "Laloo, third from left"

* Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business
Development to Bihar. The Japanese Embssary was quite impressed with
Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years
and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan." Laloo was
very surprised. "You Japanese are very inepicient," he stated "Give me
three days and I will turn Japan into Bihar"

* A reporter asked Laloo "What is the main reason for a divorce ?"
"Marriage"
 

Akash_arny

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
Mr. Boolywood's Letter

Beti No1

Boht Burra Ghur
Uckle Tikaney Town
Mainghi C District

Mr `Deewana Mastana`

Thank you for your love letter.
However I feel `Hud Kurr De Aapne` for `Hum Aapke Hai Kaun`? `Dil Chahta Hai` I should tell
you I think you`re a `Jaanwar`` and a `Shree 420`! I have to tell you I know your `Mohabatein` are
false.

Who gave you the right to think you`re my `Sajaan` and I`m your `Chandini`. How dare you look at me you `Coolie No1`! If you were here in front of me I`d hit you with my chapple so hard
your head will spin with these `Yaadein`.

You said `Kuch Kuch Hota Hai` every time you think of me. But I know you feel `Haseena
Maan Jayegee` to every girl you see. `Ram Jaane` what I`ll do to you if I catch you. If you have any `Khauf` you will feel `Durr` from me.

You`re a `Kunwara` leading a `Rangeela` lifestyle, with friends saying `Chal Merey
Bhai`. Spending all your nights on the `Sarak`. I`m sure the `Sholay` in your heart you say burn for me.
Is nothing but indigestion from too much eating and drinking!

Describing yourself as `Baadshah`, and `Himmutvar`, you sound like a `Jungli` to me. You say
you want to make me your `Biwi No1` however I say you lack `Insaniyaat`! I can`t believe
you think I`ll turn to you and say `Kaho Na Pyar Hai`! I`d much rather kiss a `Bichoo` than go
near you!

Any of `Amer Akbar Anthony` would be better suited to me than you. `Dil Wale Dhunyah Ley
Jayengey` you said, but I say your `Dil to Pagal Hai`!

Don`t` you realise that `Andaz Upna Upna` and that their can`t be no `Rishta` between us. We are like a `Mohra` in the game of life. And it`s always `Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham`. The open
`Fiza` with its changing weather is testament to that.

So please leave it as `Akeyle Hum Akeyle Tum`. Besides I`m already engaged to a guy with `Roti Kapra or Makaan`. And he`s no `Khal Nayak` like you. He`s my real `Hero`. My real `Jivan
Saathi`. And with him I really know `Yeah Raaste Hai Pyar Ka`. And there can be no space in
my `Zindagi` for anyone but him. You`ll only end up causing an `Aflatoon`, because he`s
a `Major Sahib` in the Army working on the `Border` and he`ll kill you if he finds out.

So save yourself from becoming the foundations of a `Deewar` and leave me alone.
 

Akash_arny

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
14 Million Pakistanis

Vajpayee (indian minister) and George Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"
The barman says "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"

Bush replies, "We're planning World War III" And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."

And the guy looks at them in amazement and exclaims," A bicycle repairman?!!! Why him?"

So Vajpayee turns triumphantly to Bush and says with great glee, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"
 

Akash_arny

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
[SIZE=-1]Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. 'Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!'

'But why, Mom? I don't want to go.'

'Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.'

'Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!'

'Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.'

'Give me two reasons why I should go to school.'

'Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!'
[/SIZE]
 

Akash_arny

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
Bollywood Nazara Quiz


Q. RAM SITA HAI ... TO RAM KAUN HAI ??
A. TAILOR ( darzi )

Q. SITA RAM HAI .... TO SITA KAUN HAI
Sita MEMORY hai (RAM: Random Access Memory)

Q. Prasad ask's Kumble to bring a pepsi... Kumble brings a bottle of pepsi but goes directly to Tendulkar.
why ?? why ?? :)
A. Tendulkar is an opener

Q. The Madrasi said, I want to see the movie 'heart is umbrella'. Which movie did he really want to see?
A. Dil Chhata ( Umbrella) Hai!

Q. Wohh kya hai jo Dil main hain, Mann main hai par Dhadkan main nahi?
Socho socho ....
A. aarey Aamir Khan !!!!!!!

Q. What will! u call a person who is leaving India??
Socho...............
A. Hindustan Lever (Leaver).

Q. Kalidas ka ek bhai joote banata tha us ka naam kya
tha...................................?
A. adidas

Q. Luv and Kush are going to a village & in between comes a well. Luv fells into the well.
Why ?
A. Because Luv is blind!!!!!

Q. Now Kush also jumps inside. Why?
A. OK lot's of head scratching done.
Answer is... Luv ke liye saala kuch bhi karega!!!!
Want one more...

Q. Jackie Chan ki saas ( mother in law ) ka naam kya hai?..
nahi pata..??
A. D'Cold
chain ki saans - D'cold
chalo ab batao...
Q. Jackie Chan ki bahu ka naam kya hai ?
this is quite simple..
A. D'Cold again how come ?? kyunki saans bhi kabhi bahu thi :O))))))))))))


Q. Jugal Hansraj and Mayuri Kango bus stop par khade the.
Bus aayi - Mayuri gayi, magar Jugal nahin gaya - kyon?
A. Because Mayuri 'can - go'.

Ek aur.....

Q. Sharukh Khan aur Kajol bus stop pe khade hain. Kajol chali gayi, par Sharukh bus pe nahin chada - kyon??
think harder...
A.Kyonke woh Kajol ko chhodne aaya tha. Ha, ha, ha...

Q. Ek aur muaka de hi dete hain tumhe ..... kamal ,vimal do bhai they,dono bus stop pe khade the.. bus aai vimal chad jata hai per kamal nahin jata hai
why???

A. Kyonkieeeeee bus per likha tha ONLY VIMAL ( soap advertisement) !!!!!

aur chhaiye...theek hai

Q. Kadar Khan aur Shakti Kapoor dono bus estop pe khade the... bus aai aur Kadar Khan chad jata hai per Shakti Kapoor nahin jata
Qyo???
A. Qyonkieeeeeee woh Shakti Kapoor dusri bus ke wait kar raha tha

aakhri sawaal

Q. Amitabh aur Pran dono bus estop pe khade the... bus aai aur Pran chad jata hai per Amitabh nahin jata
Qyo???
A. b/s pran jaye per bacchan na jaye
aab kya...
 
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