MGMT. HUMOUR :SOMEHOW TRUE!!

[roshcrazy]

Corporate Lesson number one :

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.......

[adiatparadise]

gr8 post man, reality+humor rocks aftrall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[roshcrazy]

thnx so much!!

well..if u liked dis post den u wud even like "corporate lessons"whch ive posted under dis section itself..its similar n hilarious........(a combi of truth n humour)

[roshcrazy]

MANAGEMENT LESSON -3

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.
" The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.
"And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss.
So the sshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became rossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.
All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

MANAGEMENT LESSON -4

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate
him!
Management Lessons: 1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

[roshcrazy]

Giving 100%
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to
produce over 100 percent. How about achieving 103 percent? Here's
a little math that might prove helpful in the future. What makes life
100 percent?

If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z can be
represented
as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26

Then,

H A R D W O R K

8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98% only

K N O W L E D G E

11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% only

But,

A T T I T U D E

1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %
However,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

Therefore, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get
you
close; BUT attitude and bullshit will put you over the top.

[roshcrazy]

Silly Management Quotes
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.

Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say.

We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.

We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."

Lucent Technologies is endeavouringly determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!

New company policy: You cannot work at a job that is rated higher than your current competency level. You cannot be rated at a higher competency level until you have worked at a job rated at that level. You can not improve your competency level through training.

A vice president insists that the company's new battery-powered product be equipped with a light that comes on to tell you when the power is off.

An employee suggests setting priorities so they'll know how to apply their limited resources. The manager's response: "Why can't we concentrate our resources across the board?"

[roshcrazy]

mathematical proof which explains why managers and others in authority make so much money.

From your physics course, you will recall that:

Power = Work / Time


From the world of business, we know that:

Knowledge = Power


and also that:

Time = Money,


Substituting these identities into the original equation, we get:

Knowledge = Work / Money


Solving for money, we get:

Money = Work / Knowledge


Thus, Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches zero, regardless of the Work done.


What this means is: The Less you Know, the More you Make.


Taking this analysis and proof one step further, we know that:

Knowledge = Education x Time


Solving for Time:

Time = Knowledge / Education


and then substituting for Time back into the Power equation, we get:


Power = (Work x Education) / Knowledge


From which we can see that the closer Knowledge gets to 0, the more power one will have.


Note:You can also increase Power through increasing either Work or Education, but it should be noted that this approach doesn't have the same type of leverage as lack of knowledge.


This equation is also known as the MANAGEMENT equation, since it provides a clear and concise mathematical explanation of why managers, executives, politicians, Defence Attaches and most other highly unknowledgable individuals get paid so much.


Also explains why us highly knowledgable presidents get paid nothing.

[saquib]

hmmm....quite sarcastic & humorous....good work keep it up.

[ankitjain]

hmm soo soo true.. but soo soo full of sarcasm at times..
hmm.. yeahh..at the top also u gotta work big time buddy!!.. cheers!!

[roshcrazy]

Top 20 Management Terminologies

A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.

EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.

MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit.

IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!

SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.

ALL NEW - Not interchangeable with the previous design.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - It finally worked!

LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.

ITS IN TESTING RIGHT NOW- we have no idea how to do this.

WE ARE USING FOCUS GROUPS EXTENSIVELY- Maybe they know how its done.

OUR ONLY OPTION IS TO REENGENEER THE PROCESS- How else can we justify firing most of the existing staff without looking like complete idiots.