MGMT. HUMOUR :SOMEHOW TRUE!!

roshcrazy

MP Guru
Corporate Lesson number one :

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.......:bigsmile:
 

roshcrazy

MP Guru
MANAGEMENT LESSON -3

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.
" The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.
"And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss.
So the sshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became rossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.
All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

MANAGEMENT LESSON -4

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate
him!
Management Lessons: 1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
 

roshcrazy

MP Guru
Giving 100%
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to
produce over 100 percent. How about achieving 103 percent? Here's
a little math that might prove helpful in the future. What makes life
100 percent?

If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z can be
represented
as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26

Then,

H A R D W O R K

8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98% only

K N O W L E D G E

11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% only

But,

A T T I T U D E

1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %
However,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

Therefore, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get
you
close; BUT attitude and bullshit will put you over the top.
:D
 

roshcrazy

MP Guru
Silly Management Quotes
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.

Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say.

We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.

We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."

Lucent Technologies is endeavouringly determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!

New company policy: You cannot work at a job that is rated higher than your current competency level. You cannot be rated at a higher competency level until you have worked at a job rated at that level. You can not improve your competency level through training.

A vice president insists that the company's new battery-powered product be equipped with a light that comes on to tell you when the power is off.

An employee suggests setting priorities so they'll know how to apply their limited resources. The manager's response: "Why can't we concentrate our resources across the board?" :pound:
 

roshcrazy

MP Guru
mathematical proof which explains why managers and others in authority make so much money.

From your physics course, you will recall that:

Power = Work / Time


From the world of business, we know that:

Knowledge = Power


and also that:

Time = Money,


Substituting these identities into the original equation, we get:

Knowledge = Work / Money


Solving for money, we get:

Money = Work / Knowledge


Thus, Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches zero, regardless of the Work done.


What this means is: The Less you Know, the More you Make.


Taking this analysis and proof one step further, we know that:

Knowledge = Education x Time


Solving for Time:

Time = Knowledge / Education


and then substituting for Time back into the Power equation, we get:


Power = (Work x Education) / Knowledge


From which we can see that the closer Knowledge gets to 0, the more power one will have.


Note:You can also increase Power through increasing either Work or Education, but it should be noted that this approach doesn't have the same type of leverage as lack of knowledge.


This equation is also known as the MANAGEMENT equation, since it provides a clear and concise mathematical explanation of why managers, executives, politicians, Defence Attaches and most other highly unknowledgable individuals get paid so much.


Also explains why us highly knowledgable presidents get paid nothing.:bigsmile:
 

ankitjain

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
hmm soo soo true.. but soo soo full of sarcasm at times..
hmm.. yeahh..at the top also u gotta work big time buddy!!.. cheers!!
 

roshcrazy

MP Guru
Top 20 Management Terminologies

A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.

EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.

MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit.

IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!

SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.

ALL NEW - Not interchangeable with the previous design.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - It finally worked!

LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.

ITS IN TESTING RIGHT NOW- we have no idea how to do this.

WE ARE USING FOCUS GROUPS EXTENSIVELY- Maybe they know how its done.

OUR ONLY OPTION IS TO REENGENEER THE PROCESS- How else can we justify firing most of the existing staff without looking like complete idiots.:pound: :pound: :pound:
 

roshcrazy

MP Guru
Management Lesson...hihihihihhahahaha

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight,built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.

By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!"The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not? "With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass.":pound: :pound: :pound:

Management Lesson: "Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one." :bigsmile:
 

roshcrazy

MP Guru
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is.

She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question:

Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" "Uhh, your mother has a
child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get
back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves.

Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.

Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State
Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair.":bigsmile:

MANAGEMENT LESSON
IT IS NOT TRUE TO SAY THAT A PERSON WHO SHARE GUD POST HAS A SAME QUALITY BRAIN TOO
 

roshcrazy

MP Guru
hehehe................

Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand,
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine. "I just need one copy."

LESSON : "NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING":bigsmile:
 

roshcrazy

MP Guru
CANNIBALS

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a Oil Company.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees".

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared, however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaning lady?".

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Task Leaders and Project Managers so no one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaning lady!"
 

roshcrazy

MP Guru
One of the best interviews!!! :big_grin:

Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.

Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.

Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!

Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it ..
What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly! in 12th.I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him 'baap') - "I can not invest so much of money".(The baap actually said - "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this college. Frankly
speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.

Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.

Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.

Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.

Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.

Candidate: No, no... I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?

Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it. In fact, when i flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative.

Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?

Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education itself was so much of pain!!

Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked?

Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)

Interviewer: And which languages have you used?

Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?

Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new language VD!

Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?

Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

Interviewer: What is your general project experience?

Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of th! e times they are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?

Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.

Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?

Candidate: No, but I gues! s it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like - 'Showstoppers ' , 'hotfixes', 'SEI-CMM','quality','versioncontrol','deadlines' , 'Customer Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my
mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?

Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe. But considering the fact that there is a world cup in West Indies in 2007, I don't mind going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. Welcome to our co. :pound: :pound: :bigsmile:
 

ashu1234

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
Hey that mgmt lessons are really cool......I liked it.

Still laughing out loud reading ur humourous posts.........
 
Last edited by a moderator:

shailza

New member
hey dat was a good one ya!!!!
keep it up...
really enjoyed it..keep postin gd stuff lik dese////////:bigsmile:
 

roshcrazy

MP Guru
Hey that mgmt lessons are really cool......I liked it.

Still laughing out loud reading ur humourous posts.........

lol.. nice joke:SugarwareZ-254::bigsmile::SugarwareZ-191::big_grin:

hey dat was a good one ya!!!!
keep it up...
really enjoyed it..keep postin gd stuff lik dese////////:bigsmile:

Thanks a ton for the appreciation...if u guys liked this; u might like this too:

http://www.managementparadise.com/f...rated-just-chill/12105-corporate-lessons.html
 
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